Doing "it" for real this time

Am I the most miserable I've ever been? I don't know. I could say yes, because being miserable or unhappy is a lot like being sick with the flu: when you're in the middle of it you cannot imagine EVER having been this bad before. However, and this truly shocks me, I'm going to say: "No, I am not the most miserable I have ever been." I had no idea I had such optimistic capabilities inside me. And that, ladies and gentlemen who may or may not ever read this, is such a HUGE testament to the idea that I am CAPABLE of changing.

And that IDEA that I am capable of changing is, at its very core, HOPE. And I didn't think I had anything left to hope for. Yeah, I was really that low. Bottle of pills in my hand-- trying to figure out how many would kill me and how many would just get me a trip to the hospital. I was sobbing like I have never sobbed before. I thought of my family and if they would REALLY be better off without me. My daughter growing up without her mother. My oldest son growing up with out his mother. My baby boy growing up never even remembering his mother. My husband. I sobbed. I put the pills back.

And what's so wrong with my life that I thought about ending it? Quite frankly, to anyone on the outside of my life, nothing. I have a GREAT life. A husband, kids, house, etc. What's not great about that? The American Dream, right? And that is the problem. It SHOULD be great. I SHOULD be able to realize that. I SHOULD be happy. But I am not. In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if I can even be happy. Or rather, would I even know what "happy" was if it came and bit me on the ass? Maybe, I HAVE TO PRAY THIS IS NOT THE CASE, but maybe this is me happy?? God, I know that cannot be true. There has to be more to life than this. RIGHT? There has to be a point, right? I know there is more, because I see other people living it and talking about it. I can have that for me, right?

Well, that's what this is going to be about. Me and my journey to find "it." Will the elusive "it" turn out to be happiness? Or is happiness just a symptom or a sign that you've found "it"? I think, at this point in my journey anyway, that happiness is a barometer to measure the level of "it" you've achieved. I think. I don't know. All I DO know is that I feel incapable of feeling happiness and I don't know what the point of living is. And that is such a horrible sentence to type. And I KNOW that, but it doesn't change that that is my experience. But the good thing is that I want to change my experience. I want to have purpose in my life. I want to have happiness. I want to change.

I have a feeling this "it" is inside of me. I have started this journey enough times by now to know that "it" is NOT: something I can buy, something I can eat, somewhere I can go, someone I can know, someone I can have (ie: have a baby), or anything else outside of me. I just don't know how to tap into "it". The best way I can figure to find "it" is to get to some of my core issues: my self-esteem, my overeating/binging, my picking habit, my excessive sleeping, my yelling, my withdrawing, and my lack of motivation to do anything (ie: laziness & procrastination).

All the "experts" say to start small: baby steps. "They" say no one will be successful if they try to change too much at one time. But there is a part of me that wants to change everything, all at once. But I've done that before and I'm still here. So where do I start? I'm not quite sure. Just starting by writing this is a start. I like to make rules for myself, which is funny, cuz I can't remember any that I follow. But I'm tempted to make a rule that I have to write here every night. But I'm not. Because the first time I don't write I will get down on myself and be tempted to forget this whole project.

But I think writing is going to be a big help to my sorting this all out in my head. So I'm going to do it as much as possible. Hopefully it will become a daily habit, not because I am forcing myself to do it, but because it is helpful to this process.